The summer of 2018 has been the hottest yet… I never thought the UK was capable of warm weather for more than a couple days, needless to talk of a couple of weeks. We have reached 30 degrees and its come to a point where I just can’t take it anymore. I need a break. I need a cold breeze to hopefully wake me up from this dream… but like my current season, it just keeps getting hotter.
After I finished my final year at university, I found myself moving back home, moving away from what I have known, where I have grown, to ambiguity. To confined spaces. To decisions that feel like I am playing a dangerous game of chance.
When I look back, I’ve somewhat always been on the move, testing the water; I went to 3 different primary schools. Moved house. Chose to go to a sixth form college that took over an hour to get to. Left where I grew up, to a university where I knew no one and wasn’t my first choice. Left what I knew was church to find a new one.
Eventually, it all just catches up with you; the “goodbyes”, the people you’ve journeyed with, the decisions you made to get you here, the could haves, would haves and should-have’s and in times like this God’s method to refine us or create spiritual growth often seem strange and bizarre to us. We find ourselves bargaining with God, asking questions like “Really Jesus… really?” and taking back our request to be used, transformed and moulded into a Christ-like image. The fact of the matter is; we don’t like change… We don’t like being pulled or stretched “unnecessarily”. We want a life without pain or problems. Simple right?
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.” James 1:2-3 NIV
Someone who I look up to once told me “If it doesn’t frighten you, it won’t change you”. With every new move, new season or transition, there is grace. An opportunity to learn, develop and connect. Spiritual growth sometimes takes form in pain; just like a sword can’t be forged without heat, we can’t become all that God has called and made us to be without tough decisions, a little heat and a pinch of pressure. In fact, walking through the heat proves to you that you are His child. He wants the best for you.
There are two outlooks one can choose to look at when it comes to moving, pressure points and growth; the pain, heartache and tears lost that leaving brings, or that inevitably, leaving and growing is all a part of the bigger picture. His call, His plan and His great life for you.
Although I write this, tired and upset about “leaving” and making “big girl” choices, I choose not to focus on the energy needed to make new friends or find my footing anymore, but to…
Show up every day and spend time with Him,
Choose to accept and learn who I am,
Cherish the people that are around me now,
Figure out what my dreams and goals in life are,
Do what makes me come alive,
Where I want to see this blog, and
Do what makes me come alive.
Ultimately, it’s not a forever thing, it’s just for now… And I am not alone in it.
My life is like an open field; still being ploughed and worked with. The seeds are being watered, sewn and tended to. The roots stretching to every corner and depth within me.
This is the season I am in. This is what God is doing in me.